Today is a new day...I will renew my  strength in God.  The end of the day yesterday ended well despite my melancholy... Drue and I went to a movie and saw Star Trek.  I really liked it and the line at the end spoke to me.  Spoken by Kirk, "I would rather die helping others live,  than livie and take a life  kill others.  Something along those lines.  Enjoyable.   Drue and I the went for a walk and we discussed life and God and family while laying in the grass in the park. What a special moment that I will have as a great memory forever!  It was special!   Today, we are going to try a new church.  I need one that is a little more intimate and develop some  friendships with common denominator.  Namely, God and a spiritual basis. 

I wrote a poem to her trying to describe some of what  I am feeling. There are at time I fell inspired.

Often you know the day will start out hard and you don't know how you will feel

Not knowing what kind emotional card life will deal

It's different because i know it can confuse

Words and poems to sort out things I often use

At times through some days

I ask God why did it have to be this way

I pray And plead that I and this  be part of his plan and will and ask for plainly what he has to say

Because it hurts that we each  went our separate way

I know we have said we both  have to move on

And each listen to that song that "his will be done "

That doesn't make it feel any better

And that's why I write this form of a letter

We are each travelling a different path with that often feels alone and long

Though I know we both turn to God through prayer and song

I could write so much of what I learned and loved

But Only God through His grace and not what I earned

I pray often for you and your kids and those around you

Hoping you find solace and refuge in our God and I know you and me both do

Today is Sunday and we go to worship with others and associate in our own way

May it especially be blessed and we know him more each  day

These writings I feel are inspired from deep within

Knowing it makes you think what do I do with this and what do I say to him

I just write because it helps me sort out a thing or two

Though it doesn't change anything or what to do

Family, life and Always much to do

One good thing is I have spent so much time with Drue

Though I only write now  I want you to know

Through Gods grace did we get to know each other and grow

As hard as it seems for you and for me

I do count the memories as some of the best that could be

The depth and kindness we often showed

It can be done we both now know

I have no idea where my path leads

I just know to continue my spiritual journey and lean on him in need

It's is difficult to write these things and send them off to you

But there is  no anger or hurt directed at you.

I will close with a prayer indeed

Because it is something we both need

Lord, I ask you bless and lead us closer to you

That we love and follow  you in all we do

We both love our kids and pray they follow you too

May we be examples like we should

Open your plan to me and .....

Because I know I am confused and it doesn't seem fair

We know you are God And their are things we don't know and see

Just guide  us so we can be on the right path as plainly as we can see

Life with you God is   a journey of love and faith

May we each be wrapped in the love of your spirit each day.

In the name of Jesus I pray

And we grow more deeply each day.

Listening to the Spirit

Today has been a melancholy day.  It is the first day that I have really slowed down since a (for lack of a better term) a complete breakdown or off of my relationship. It was a tough choice but I just couldn't see the forest through the trees.  Every day has bee a whirlwind of activity to keep the thoughts and pain at bay.   Only allowing it to creep in for a bit and then me focusing on other things. Though I did or do offer it  over it to God every day and night in prayer.  It has been a test not of faith but of perseverance and obeying his will.  That has been my goal...to learn and follow God's will. Though I love this woman dearly and without reservation (like no other before her) my prayer has slowly transformed from please give her to me or vice versa to "let his will be done".  I am trying and learning to pray more deeply and listen to the Holy Spirit.  We both had an unsettled spirit. I knew deep in my heart and spirit what I had to do or change some things to give some peace to myself and her or anther person  if things were to ever change for a permanent and  good relationship with or without her. Don't get me wrong. The past year has been miraculous by any healing and spiritual standard. Gone are all of the things that almost or did break me.   But first I had to let it all go. ALL OF IT.  That was so difficult and painful;. Still to this day.  We both had to move on..but to what? We both have had  trouble thinking about that because the relationship for the most part was very good. Healthy, lots of communication, emotional, spiritual and plenty of space.    We love each other and have said that and know it and feel it.  I still say that " I love you"  on many levels though I don't call or text it or say it to her anymore. It just comes to mind and I often ask God to take those thoughts or feelings away if there isn't anything I am supposed to learn from it.  Sometimes to just remove them so it doesn't hurt when I think about it.  Love is such a powerful thing. I pray 9out of love) for her, her kids , their relationship with their dad and all that come in touch with her.  For me I truly learned to love correctly though not perfectly  and what I would consider the type of Godly love and that was with the birth of my son Drue. That was the beginning of what I would considered true love. Parental love is different but the depth is the same I felt for her. My love for her just seems to be different and I envy the very few marriages I have seen with that deep abiding love no matter what. I know we are no longer together but this is the first time I have allowed myself to face the aftermath head on and deal with it emotionally and spiritually. To take the time to see what I need to do to keep someone like her in the future. I often wondered when we were together how much I did for her (because of the love thing)  or how much I changed was for her and/or the situation and how much was truly a transformation from a spiritual side and healing from God.  No doubt, the power of the healing was so evident and powerful. I was real and I see that even more evident now. The transformation of who I was to who I am today.  I see the importance of training my young teenager to be a man and protector. Not just physically, but spiritually and emotionally. To train him on the ways needed to grow up and be a man of God. Not the wimps we so often think of when we think of Godly men but of the warrior types that stand to protect those behind us.  Many have asked why I think like that and it is why  I fight or will die or kill (protecting something) what is in from of me because I love more  what is behind me.  To love his family and his children and do everything he can to stay as a family though I have massively failed in that department.   To love his kids like I love him and to love and protect his wife when he gets married. and to have the same spiritual basis or it will built on sand and washed away by the many storms of life.   That there is nothing more important than family. A lesson that I wish someone had taught me at a much younger age.

But to my point.. Though it has been a very difficult past few weeks I can say that I have learned in the past year...

• I have learned that a relationship with God can help you weather the biggest of storms
• I have learned to really love a woman (though I have much to learn still)
• I have learned that healing really comes from within and spiritually. Though people or counselors can direct and help immensely
• I have learned that a great or good relationship takes daily work and often times sacrifice
• That serving another (family or spouse or significant other)  really makes for a beautiful thing
• You can be a leader and servant at the same time.
• That LOVE is real and a powerful force but it isn't enough ( Caveats)
• Forgiveness is another powerful spiritual gift
• Everyone wants to be loved somehow , someway but we often don't know how to accept it or know what it really is or we push people away
• That I want a relationship based on the fruits of the spirit. LOVE, JOY, PEACE, PATIENCE, KINDNESS, FAITHFULNESS, GENTLENESS, SELF-CONTROL and GOODNESS.
• A disciplined prayer and spiritual life is important to keeping your eye on the prize of true love.

Hope does spring erternal....To be continued.

.

Today is a new day! What a cliché....:)  You hear it so often that it often loses its meaning! Another day  goes by and I still think so often of what could have been....

I write to process what is going through my head without having to emote to someone or just try to think through what I am trying to do...How do I get over this breakup and move on.  How much do I acknowledge the depth of hurt and at times anguish of a lost hope and love. From all appearances and things I am doing,  it seems like all is ok. But in actuality , not so much. It has been a painful and difficult journey and new path.  Somewhere, deep inside me there is a hope of a return to love of this woman. But I have to ask myself,  am I being delusional and kind of stupid. I ask and pray/plead with God to let me not have these thoughts and ideas and prolonged feelings....wait ...an interruption

As I am typing this (now next day)  my son comes in and I moaning that his hand really hurts and I need to take a look at it!  We do our doctoral internet specialist search and determine he needs to go to the ER.  It's 930 pm and I have taking a sleeping pill and am ready to fall asleep! I call him a dork and he replies this may be his first

broken bone! I laugh and 2.5 hours later it is confirmed he has a broken pinky finger. He is proud of himself and makes jokes about it.  I am so sleepy the whole time and am just kind of really mellow.  He handled it well.   Our little family has had lots of ER visits this year. Too many! My dad, me and Drue have all been there....:)   I guess the next step is Kodi our dog to make it complete:)  he hurt it playing in the dark on the swings with his friends. Double dork!   He is such a wonderful boy.  Handsome, brainy, kind and so loving to everyone.  I am truly a blessed dad. He adds so much joy to my life.  He emulates so much of what I read and do...It's a great thing and I love it.

It's mid morning on a Tuesday.  I don't know why but today I woke up missing her tremendously.  I was at a friends house for dinner yesterday  and a  beautiful double rainbow presented itself. It was so beautiful and fitting. A collation of colors emerging from the storm as light shined on the cloud.

I was struck by its beauty and texted it to a few people.  One wrote back and said it reminded them of God's promise. Part of me did find comfort in that but another part of me is hurting and I said to myself.  I have to maintain the faith that this is temporary and that his promise will be fulfilled.  I pray daily for her, her family as well as mine and that I be guided in all that I do. I think back to the rainbow and I hope there is light and colors as the emotional and spiritual  storm rages (at times)within me. I find comfort spending times with families and kids.  I find comfort in spending time with my son. I find comfort in spending time with friends.  I find comfort in praying and seeking guidance.  I know many meditate and seek comfort from the 'Universe" of some other entity.  I have been there and done that. I just know that the tremendous healing and peace come from the God that I know and pray to.... That doesn't mean all is perfect. It just means I lean more on him and the relationship I have spiritually. I used to question what other people (Christians) had and I never understood it.

I am still madly in love with this woman and I am not sure if that is a good thing. I ask, how can this be...why does it have to be this way. I wish I could move on and get on with life like I have always done when a relationship ends. I ask God to take it away. Make me mad at her or have her do something that allows me to get angry and stay that way so I can justify and know that it is the end forever. But it just doesn't happen.  These are felling and thoughts I have never had to sort  or go through. The depth of the relationship was great and I miss it. How do you love again and find it. I am not looking at all but want it. I know that is a cliché but it is what we all want!

The waves of emotion are overwhelming at times.... I am doing well and all seems good  Then the waves comes crashing and I fell like a crab against the rocks. Trying to make my way and holding on for dear life before I get swept back into the sea of emotions. Then the tide subside for awhile and I feel like I am making progress. I  go to work, I work out and do what I can to maintain. Then I feel the  sea begin to rise again. I can see it coming from a distance.  I know it will hurt and I try to do something. But I know I will feel the power of it and the struggle that will ensue....I pray, I plead , I ask God for relief.   I just ask that" thy will be done"  I have been through so much worse and I know it. But why does this one hurt so  much?  Does love hurt that much when ripped away?  I often feel like I am  being punished. But I have been blessed in so many ways too...So when I think about it, that is logically explained away but not emotionally.

As I write this blog I am torn between writing about the raw emotion and pain or just writing about the joy of life and the joy my son brings me.   Today was one of those days. I will write about that and then I will write about the overwhelming waves of emotion that come when they are so raw.

Drue and I got ready for church and had a good conversation on the way. We always get a double espresso and a hot chocolate and proceed to the  nose bleed section. I just like it up there...a panoramic view and I feel safer.  As the choir/band sand the worship songs Drue hugged me tightly and I had my arm around him like we always do when singing in church.  But today I was filled with emotion and joy as he buried his head into my shoulder and hugged me even tighter.  Tears ran down my face because I felt the love flow that only a child can give...that unconditional love! Of course it was our first service since he got back after 5 weeks with his mom.  We camped for a night at the lake but bad weather forced us home and back into our routine.  We watched a movie last night and we still hug each other all the time as we say hello and goodbyes throughout the day.  He is such a wonderful boy and becoming a great young man.   As I stated earlier in a post I just want him to see me as a good example of how to love a woman.  I don't want another generation of kids not having their mom or dad around all the time.  We talk about it regularly and I pray that he can learn and know it.   It is my goal to teach him that but I am currently at a loss. I know life goes on but I know in his heart he wants that family togetherness.  What child doesn't...

As I write this blog I am torn between writing about the raw emotion and pain or just writing about the joy of life and the joy my son brings me.   Today was one of those days. I will write about that and then I will write about the overwhelming waves of emotion that come when they are so raw.

Drue and I got ready for church and had a good conversation on the way. We always get a double espresso and a hot chocolate and proceed to the  nose bleed section. I just like it up there...a panoramic view and I feel safer.  As the choir/band sand the worship songs Drue hugged me tightly and I had my arm around him like we always do when singing in church.  But today I was filled with emotion and joy as he buried his head into my shoulder and hugged me even tighter.  Tears ran down my face because I felt the love flow that only a child can give...that unconditional love! Of course it was our first service since he got back after 5 weeks with his mom.  We camped for a night at the lake but bad weather forced us home and back into our routine.  We watched a movie last night and we still hug each other all the time as we say hello and goodbyes throughout the day.  He is such a wonderful boy and becoming a great young man.   As I stated earlier in a post I just want him to see me as a good example of how to love a woman.  I don't want another generation of kids not having their mom or dad around all the time.  We talk about it regularly and I pray that he can learn and know it.   It is my goal to teach him that but I am currently at a loss. I know life goes on but I know in his heart he wants that family togetherness.  What child doesn't...