Listening to the Spirit

Today has been a melancholy day.  It is the first day that I have really slowed down since a (for lack of a better term) a complete breakdown or off of my relationship. It was a tough choice but I just couldn't see the forest through the trees.  Every day has bee a whirlwind of activity to keep the thoughts and pain at bay.   Only allowing it to creep in for a bit and then me focusing on other things. Though I did or do offer it  over it to God every day and night in prayer.  It has been a test not of faith but of perseverance and obeying his will.  That has been my goal...to learn and follow God's will. Though I love this woman dearly and without reservation (like no other before her) my prayer has slowly transformed from please give her to me or vice versa to "let his will be done".  I am trying and learning to pray more deeply and listen to the Holy Spirit.  We both had an unsettled spirit. I knew deep in my heart and spirit what I had to do or change some things to give some peace to myself and her or anther person  if things were to ever change for a permanent and  good relationship with or without her. Don't get me wrong. The past year has been miraculous by any healing and spiritual standard. Gone are all of the things that almost or did break me.   But first I had to let it all go. ALL OF IT.  That was so difficult and painful;. Still to this day.  We both had to move on..but to what? We both have had  trouble thinking about that because the relationship for the most part was very good. Healthy, lots of communication, emotional, spiritual and plenty of space.    We love each other and have said that and know it and feel it.  I still say that " I love you"  on many levels though I don't call or text it or say it to her anymore. It just comes to mind and I often ask God to take those thoughts or feelings away if there isn't anything I am supposed to learn from it.  Sometimes to just remove them so it doesn't hurt when I think about it.  Love is such a powerful thing. I pray 9out of love) for her, her kids , their relationship with their dad and all that come in touch with her.  For me I truly learned to love correctly though not perfectly  and what I would consider the type of Godly love and that was with the birth of my son Drue. That was the beginning of what I would considered true love. Parental love is different but the depth is the same I felt for her. My love for her just seems to be different and I envy the very few marriages I have seen with that deep abiding love no matter what. I know we are no longer together but this is the first time I have allowed myself to face the aftermath head on and deal with it emotionally and spiritually. To take the time to see what I need to do to keep someone like her in the future. I often wondered when we were together how much I did for her (because of the love thing)  or how much I changed was for her and/or the situation and how much was truly a transformation from a spiritual side and healing from God.  No doubt, the power of the healing was so evident and powerful. I was real and I see that even more evident now. The transformation of who I was to who I am today.  I see the importance of training my young teenager to be a man and protector. Not just physically, but spiritually and emotionally. To train him on the ways needed to grow up and be a man of God. Not the wimps we so often think of when we think of Godly men but of the warrior types that stand to protect those behind us.  Many have asked why I think like that and it is why  I fight or will die or kill (protecting something) what is in from of me because I love more  what is behind me.  To love his family and his children and do everything he can to stay as a family though I have massively failed in that department.   To love his kids like I love him and to love and protect his wife when he gets married. and to have the same spiritual basis or it will built on sand and washed away by the many storms of life.   That there is nothing more important than family. A lesson that I wish someone had taught me at a much younger age.

But to my point.. Though it has been a very difficult past few weeks I can say that I have learned in the past year...

• I have learned that a relationship with God can help you weather the biggest of storms
• I have learned to really love a woman (though I have much to learn still)
• I have learned that healing really comes from within and spiritually. Though people or counselors can direct and help immensely
• I have learned that a great or good relationship takes daily work and often times sacrifice
• That serving another (family or spouse or significant other)  really makes for a beautiful thing
• You can be a leader and servant at the same time.
• That LOVE is real and a powerful force but it isn't enough ( Caveats)
• Forgiveness is another powerful spiritual gift
• Everyone wants to be loved somehow , someway but we often don't know how to accept it or know what it really is or we push people away
• That I want a relationship based on the fruits of the spirit. LOVE, JOY, PEACE, PATIENCE, KINDNESS, FAITHFULNESS, GENTLENESS, SELF-CONTROL and GOODNESS.
• A disciplined prayer and spiritual life is important to keeping your eye on the prize of true love.

Hope does spring erternal....To be continued.

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